Confidential medical records obtained by Stinky Ponky, only in a good and legal way, reveal that the Conservative Prime Minister had his heart removed when he came to power in May 2010, when he started to make cuts to important public services and gave all the crap jobs to those lovely Liberal Democrats, the fiend.

His backbone was quickly removed thereafter, enabling him to fail to take the thieving banks in hand, over their mismanagement of imaginary numbers (imaginary in the sense they are large, scary and form part of some big pyramid scheme and not in the sense of numbers, the squares of which are negative).

It has also proven useful in his not tackling of a number of issues, including law and order, tuition fees for universities, state-sponsored killing in the Middle East and, most recently, the phone-hacking scandal, which threatens to embroil anyone with a modicum of power in the UK, leaving the country in the control of carpet-fitters, falconers and Zoomba fitness instructors. All of whom, say the National Audit Office, in a report to be leaked by Stinky Ponky next week, could do a better job.

A spokeswoman for Mr Cameron, who would only identify herself as 'Dorothy', denied these medical procedures had taken place, insisting that Mr Cameron had a heart and backbone, and that the only thing he actually lacked was a brain.