June 2nd 2009

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, texture like sun, is expected to announce that home secretary Jacqui Smith will soon pack her porn collection and get the fuck out.

Ms Smith, whose cross eyed husband Richard Timney wanks himself stupid at the expense of the taxpayer, has waited until every last shred of her integrity has been shot to buggery before standing down. “Her career as a politician is effectively over,” said Stinky Ponky’s political analyst, Professor John Wonderwall from the University of Western Democracy in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. “She’s going to have to accept that she’ll only be able to do some six figure advisory positions in the city on a part time basis from here on in I’m afraid.”

After tracking Ms Smith and her husband down in Soho Stinky Ponky asked if there was any truth to the story. “I think the time has come to move on,” Ms Smith admitted. “I said to Richard last night, who was masturbating so hard that he was nearly vibrating, ‘put your cock away love; let’s pack the DVDs and make a dignified exit.’” Mr Timney, who appeared to be frantically trying to find something in his trouser pocket, said “Oooo.”

Sources close to the PM say that he has become somewhat despondent over the whole affair. “We’ve heard him say that there’s ‘no fucking point anymore’ and he seems to have focused his attention entirely upon Susan Boyle saying he ‘understands her pain.’ It’s all very worrying,” said chauffeur Ben Dorbrake, of Chillum Cottage, Northern Lights Lane, Hasham, Surrey, just off the main street past the Red Lion on the left, who wished to remain anonymous.

Conservative leader David Cameron, who is fluent in Klingon, was reportedly so overjoyed by this news that he passed out after turning purple with laughter. One eye witness reports that before losing consciousness Mr Cameron was wheezing the phrase “I’ve crapped myself, I’ve crapped myself.”