Stinky Ponky caught up with Postman Pat, real name Pat, in his local pub the Lamb and Flag earlier today. He told us "I don't arrange these things you know. I have an assistant - or rather I did have, the thick fucker's fired now - who does all this shit for me. When I looked at my diary and found out the useless bitch had booked me in for one of shit-stick Cameron's wank-a-thons I went fucking ballistic. Do you want a drink? No? Just a pint of Carling and a whisky chaser then please Dave, cheers.

"Anyway, I'll be shagged up the shitter before I have anything to do with Plastic Dave, whatever the BBC want me to do. He is a world class spunky fuck-nut and no mistake. The closest he's getting to a visit from the Patmeister is a small box of black and white cat shit, which is winging it's way merrily to him as we speak. By courier of course. Royal Mail are fucking useless, I should know." David Cameron is now rumoured to be looking to hiring the Smurfs at short notice.

Pat is only the latest children's entertainer to drop out from an election event. Earlier today Peppa Pig decided not to take part in a Labour Party meeting following a row with John Prescott about fresh bacon. A number of insiders claim that a salivating Mr Prescott had to be ordered to stop chasing the pig and put his trousers back on by Prime Minister Gordon Brown, texture like sun. Mr Brown was then said to have apologised to Miss Pig, telling her that "John couldn't help himself when presented with such a pretty little piggy. A very, very pretty little pig."

The Lib Dem's are also thought to have dropped the ball after approaching the Teletubbies and asking if they could have the yellow one. According to one source Dipsy is said to have replied personally, writing to Nick Clegg to say "The 'yellow one' has got a fucking name you know, dickface. Anyway, I'm booked in for a back, sack and crack wax on that day and I'm not cancelling again. My arse is like a lion's mane at the moment and it sweats like a catholic choirboy in the warm weather. No, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to say a polite 'fuck you, bollock breath.'"

The BNP have confirmed that they still have the Chuckle Brothers booked for Monday.