Mr Cameron went on to say "Ok, so you had monkeys, but not monkeys like our monkeys. Our monkeys will be much better monkeys than your monkeys. We've got really good Police Monkeys which, quite frankly, piss all over your monkeys, which were just Assistant Police Monkeys, which everyone knows are wanky and pointless. These ones will have truncheons and shit and will be arresting the fuck out of criminals before you can say piss-flaps.

"Look, I know this will be unpopular with human police officers, but there are plenty of other careers where they can be corrupt, and Britain is basically at the limit of it's overdraft. The main advantages of real monkey bobbies are the fact that a) they will work for peanuts; 2) criminals won't be able to escape up trees; and fourthly they are really cute. Some of them look very pretty in a dress. Beautiful. Stunning, even. Stunning little monkeys with their big eyes..."

The PM's plans follow extensive research at the Skopje University of Monkey Rozzers in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. Stinky Ponky spoke with leading simian fuzz expert Professor Dave Watt, who told us "Training has met with some very satisfactory results in recent months, although Bob in ballistics might disagree with me as he's been responsible for teaching them to use tasers, and the sneaky little fuckers keep shooting him in the cock.

"We've also spent a lot of time comparing the positive and negative aspects of monkey coppers and their human counterparts. The main downside we've come across is an unpleasant tendency to throw their own shit at the general public, and the constant need to fiddle with their own bumholes, which often leads to a nasty rash. 

"But if I'm being totally honest, some of the monkeys do that too."