Miliband, who is gaining a reputation for being pretty fucking amazing, appears to have saved the world in a delightfully reserved British manner once again, although judging by his promiscuity he must be riddled with the clap by now. Miliband struck a huge blow against international terrorism last week and escaped from some generic bad guys in the process who, to be fair, were always unlikely to survive until the end of this paragraph.

After fighting with the chief generic bad guy who is bound to pop up later even though you thought he'd died, Miliband leapt from belly of the burning cargo plane that they had been fighting in and which was now plummeting to earth. Miliband then fashioned a parachute from his underwear and floated gently down while the new theme tune started, performed by Lady GaGa. Some more shagging occurred shortly after the bit with the silhouettes of naked women.

Milliband, also known by his code name of 000, made jolly sure that everyone in blighty was fully aware of how brilliant he was as soon as he could find someone in the press willing to turn their camera on and point it at him. He explained to the nation, with modest levels of patronising idiocy, just how fantastic they had been in doing their part in the whole affair, even if it had been basically him, a Walther PPK and a series of wonderful gadgets that had brought Dr Murdoch to his knees.

During the interview Miliband said: "After skydiving from the upper stratosphere like a really cool bastard I dived into the sea in a mini submarine disguised as a shark. I entered the secret base of Dr Murdoch through the shark door but was unfortunately captured while I was on the way to kill him. He taunted me for a bit before outlining his elaborate plan for killing me by tying me up and lowering me into a vat of angry, electric badgers.

"When he'd gone to carry out his despicable plan to rule the world by listening to it's answer phone messages, I escaped using a laser hidden in one of my massive teeth, only to be confronted by his right hand woman, the ginger Amazon warrior Rebekah Brooks, who was wearing a small amount of tight spandex and an angry expression. There was a long fight which I looked like losing for a bit before I punched her in the tits, kicked her in the lady garden and launched her into the vat of badgers. There were screams and a bit of sizzling.

"Pausing only briefly to make a weak electric badger based pun that glibly undermined the value of human life, I raced to Dr Murdoch's operations room, where I could see from the giant countdown clock that I only had a few moments to kill 715 henchman with my Walther, press the giant self-destruct button and make my escape. On the way out I grabbed Professor Fanny Bucket and a rubber dinghy for doing the sex in, and got out just as the whole thing went bang.