"Nobody is comfortable with a Mail reader at the best of times," said Stinky Ponky's political analyst, Professor John Wonderwall from the Skopje University of Life in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. "Not even another Mail reader. Inject high levels of smug into the mix and you're left with the sort of smarmy, self-righteous, animated turd that has you reaching for the nose-plugs and the shit-shovel.

"And now David Cameron has gone and fed them after midnight. Fuck-a-doodle-do. Smug levels in deepest Hertfordshire are currently hovering around the Jeremy Clarkson level, but they've risen at a startling rate since the Mail landed on the doormats of Smugburbia and now it looks like we'll hit the arrogant heights of Paxman before the week is out."

Stinky Ponky asked whether liberal criticism of the PM's comments had in anyway alleviated rising smug levels. Professor Wonderwall told us "No, if anything they've made it worse. If you're faced with a self-righteous Mail reader in full hate mode contradicting him is just like throwing oil on the fire. They want you to contradict them. They give you a speech that is very much like watching Hitler at Nuremburg.

"We're basically seeing large parts of the home counties filled with puffed-up business managers virtually unable to rant anything other than 'I TOLD YOU SO' before reminding everyone that this country has gone to the dogs again. What bothers me is that if they hit smug capacity there's a very real possibility that they will all start bursting, and then everyone in the Greater London area who does not believe we should build a wall around the country and throw all the foreigners off the top of it is going to be up to their tits in shit.

"Hang on, we're just receiving reports that a man has exploded in a wine bar in St. Albans. According to the barman he was smugged off his face after spending a long time in the toilets with The Mail. The barman then overheard the man's friend telling him that a neighbour who neither of them liked had been caught shoplifting in Waitrose, at which point he was observed to be 'giggling with delight, deliriously happy but very swollen and purple.' 

"Just then the man's mobile phone started ringing with the Top Gear theme tune and he screamed 'I FUCKING LOVE IT' before bursting loudly and showering the entire room with his intestines. He hasn't been identified yet, but according to this report he was a local Estate Agent.

"Hmmm, it's an ill wind..."