Brown, who later gave a press conference from the new kennel Miss Lumley has given him, told reporters "I am truly sorry that anyone from my party said anything nasty about my new owner. Although I do not share the views of Kevan Jones I have to accept responsibility for them as his leader. It was very foolish of him to criticize miss Lumley. Mr Jones has now been given to the 17 retired Gurkhas that live in a caravan at the bottom of Miss Lumley's garden who will slowly torture him to death over the next three years, after which time he will be separated into six sections and displayed in various cities.

"While I remain Prime Minister of the United Kingdom I accept that I am entirely the property of Miss Lumley; a fact that has already been tattooed onto my left arse cheek. This tattoo is only part of the reason that I am currently unable to sit down, the remainder being that my right buttock is red raw from Miss Lumley's generous application of the riding crop earlier today.

"On Wednesday next week, at a formal ceremony at Buckingham Palace to be witnessed by the Queen and Prince Phillip, I shall present Miss Lumley with my testicles in an ornate white gold and ivory presentation case before she smacks me in the face with a cricket bat signed by the Dalai Lama and for some reason David Gower. This event will be televised and contractual obligations require me to tell you that it will be sponsored by Ferrero Rocher, who will later produce commemorative chocolates presented in a similar fashion to my own love spuds."

In a brief conversation with Stinky Ponky Miss Lumley said "If I wanted to I could own this fucking country. The right word from me would have Gurkhas crawling out of your arse crack. So think very carefully before fucking with The Lumley, because I will fuck you up, and then I will fuck your family up, and then I will fuck your friends up and then your fucking postman, you slag.

"On a lighter note, Ab Fab starts again in the Autumn. I trust you'll be watching? I thought so. Good boy."