Prime Minister Gordon Brown, texture like sun, has allegedly locked the door at number ten and swallowed the key to stop any other cabinet members escaping.

The move came only moments after work and pensions secretary James Purnell escaped through a first floor window, injuring himself badly in the process. An insider at number 10 who wished to remain anonymous gave an interview with Stinky Ponky this morning. “Mr Brown was distracted by Hutton shuffling towards the door and when he looked away Purnell went straight through the plate glass and landed arse first on the railings” said housekeeper Christine Condition of 4 Talbot Heights, London – 0207 998 5236. “His screaming will stay with me for a long time, as will Mr Brown’s face when he leaned out and shouted ‘NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE SHAFTED YOU TREACHEROUS SHIT.’ Of course, in all the excitement Hutton was through the door like a whippet on amphetamines – a crime I was acquitted of incidentally.” Since then the Prime Minister has locked the door - grabbing postman Alan Johnson and making him home secretary in the process – and is busily boarding up all windows.

Conservative leader David Cameron is said to have reached “all new levels of infuriating smugness” after hearing the news. In addition to this the Tories appear to be sweeping the board in local elections. Mrs Cameron is reported to have gone to her mum’s for the week saying “He’s going to be shit-curdlingly unbearable - and he already is.”

A police negotiator is currently in hostage talks with Mr Brown and is asking the Prime Minister if they can take Mr Purnell off the railings. “It’s not so bad now he’s passed out and stopped screaming,” PC Whirled told us, outside number 10, “but I suppose we should get him some medical attention, even if he is a politician. Whenever we get close to the building Mr Brown starts throwing his own shit at us. The irony is I'd be fine if he had a gun as I’ve got a bullet proof vest on – but it’s a bastard to wash.”