Mr Cameron, speaking slowly and loudly so the towel heads could understand him said "I think it's spot on that you're all going to be voting for your tyrants from now on rather than just picking the one with the most camels, or however you did it. We've been voting in the UK ever since a woman chained herself to Buckingham Palace in the 15th century - around the time the pyramids were built - and it works a treat for us. Me and my new mate Nick got a parking spot on easy street back in May and we've been up to our necks in fanny ever since. How are you for night vision goggles?"

After the PM's speech a variety of foreign dignitaries also spoke, although they had to compete with the sound of Mr Cameron playing Angry Birds on his iPhone and giggling. Afterwards he introduced a number of his 'business associates' to some foreign men with bulging briefcases full of cash, telling them "We've got some cracking kit and can keep you knee deep in bullets. If you'd like to join us in the desert later you can have a go with some guns.

"My wife will be demonstrating motion sensitive anti-personnel mines and a range of rocket propelled grenades - stay well behind her whatever you do; she blew the waiter up at dinner last night fiddling with one of the bloody things. I would personally recommend shooting something with one of the Desert Eagles. I hit a dog in the face with one yesterday and the little fucker basically exploded. It was great.

"In addition we've got a few aeroplanes to sell as we're getting rid of some Harriers and stuff. Whatever you do don't let your Mrs drive though. I did and we still have a big old dent in the right wing of our jet. The silly bitch wasn't concentrating when she went through the drive-through at McDonalds. She forgot my happy meal as well. Nick says she's always banging the left wing as well, but I can't find a single mark. He seems to think it's amusing.

"Would anyone like a grenade?"