May 23rd 2009

Many MPs today were running around in circles like headless chickens and shouting "No, no, no, no, no!" after the grim discovery that they would have to pay for things. The gravy train has apparently crashed into the cash cow scattering meal tickets everywhere.

To a background of weeping and wailing and a gnashing of teeth Conservative MP for Waddleton, Toppy Harwood told us "This is disasterous. For many people the world has simply ended. BY THE SINFUL TITS OF MARY MAGDELENE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO US?"

In parliament Harriet Harman chanted over the roar from the fighting "No more gentlemans club! No more gentlemans club!" while Gordon Brown, texture like sun, screamed about "chaos." David Cameron, who won this year's Two First Names Award from the Times Educational Supplement was desparately calling for an election, saying "We've got you now Brown! Pack your fucking bags sunshine, IT'S MY HOUSE NOW!"

The calm centre to the houses of parliament was the expenses office where the staff were putting their feet up and watching Loose Women with a brew and a biccy. "It's a great relief to all of us in here." we were told by Expenses Officer Rick Order as he toasted marsh mallows over the fire built from paperwork in his bin. "I was right in the middle of filing claims and I'd got up to H for huge bastard flat screen televisions. When the news came in about the crash I swept my desk clean. I feel liberated."

In sweeping reforms MPs will now only be able to claim for one small water biscuit, a glimpse at someone else's newspaper and a chinese hamster. Even this spending will be capped at 17p a year. "It's awful." A much calmer, weary looking Toppy Harwood, a member of the Kennel Club, told us later, "I've just bought the island of Balamory off the coast of Scotland. Who's going to pay for that now?"

When we asked for the latest story from Balamory, explaining that we'd like to know, we were told to "fuck off."