In a statement released by Downing Street earlier today Mr Cameron said "I've asked him nicely and I even sent him some WHSmith's vouchers for Christmas but to be honest I am utterly wazzed off with the mental old spunkmuzzle. We are now putting serious pressure on the regime by having him banned from all branches of Greggs with the exception of Lewisham, and Battersea Dogs and Cats Home have confirmed that they're suspending his weekly delivery of cats.

"I've also written a stern note to his mom telling her that if we don't see an improvement in his behaviour toot sweet I will have no option but to kick him off the netball team. I don't think we're going to let him take part in this year's school production of Grease either, which spoils it for everyone really, although I'm sure we will be able to find someone else to play Sandy."

In response Colonel Gaddafi has told the BBC "This talk of protests is crazy. All of my people love me. So, there have been some protests, but the protesters are fighting over who loves me more - these ones say they are giving me the most love, these others say 'No! Gaddafi has more of our love than your love!' and the first ones say 'You are wrong, you camel-fucking sons of the bitches, we are loving the massive cock and huge, hairy love spuds right off Gaddafi, so now we must kill you to death.' They just fucking love me, ok?"

Mr Cameron told Stinky Ponky "Well, whatever dude. He can't come to Britain and we've frozen his assets, which is very painful. Jimmy Rogers and Dennis Robson once tripped me up, held me down and shoved snow down my pants, so I can vouch for the discomfort caused by frozen assets - however exciting it is when it's happening. I just wish they hadn't done it in front of my kids.

"I'm afraid that if he continues like this we will be forced to suspend his jobseeker's allowance."