Conservative MP Alan Duncan has apologised today for being a "great big shit - much, much bigger than all of the other shits."

"I told a really funny joke," he added, "or it would have been funny were it not for the fact that it was actually as shit as I am - which is very shit indeed, what with me being a HUUUUUGE, shit and all. Hey ho."

Mr Duncan was referring to comments he had made about how poor old MPs were having to live "on rations" since the expenses scandal - comments which had secured his position as King of the Shits virtually overnight.

"In many ways the expenses scandal has been something of a relief for me," he told us. "The British public, many of whom were already suspicious that Parliament was filled to the brim with steaming turds, are now absolutely certain of it. It's a weight off to be honest. I feel liberated."

Mr Duncan has so much money from his previous job in the oil industry that he sometimes makes a lovely, big cape out of brand new £50 notes. He then runs around his 97 bedroom house in it, repeatedly shouting "Sooooper-Rich!" and laughing so much that he ends up vomiting over a member of staff hired specifically for the purpose of being vomited on.

"Didn't you even like the bit where I said it was like we were being nationalised?" Mr Duncan asked Stinky Ponky. "Personally I thought it was pure genius, even if I do say so myself. I was still giggling about it hours later.

"I'm a right old shit and no mistake," he added with a wry chuckle. "Isn't life lovely?"