Duffy, who went seven rounds with Gordon Brown in April 2010 before the fight was stopped when the former PM's eye fell out, was speaking to reporters at a factory in Rochdale today after a devastating verbal attack on Nick Clegg that left the deputy PM in tears. A spokesman for Mr Clegg told us "It wasn't what she said that made him cry. Last week Nick openly revealed how he cries when he listens to music, and then some sneaky fucker was quietly playing his favourite piece in the background. He can't help himself when he hears The Birdie Song."

Duffy, who doesn't work at the factory and had popped in entirely by coincidence thinking it was a bigot-house, went on to say "Are you listening Cameron? Piss-Stain got his today and you're next Blue-Tit! The King of Hurtyland is coming, and he is bastarding angry! I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKING LIPS OFF AND FEED THEM TO MY HAMSTER, BITCH-FACE!"

Stinky Ponky spoke briefly with the Prime Minister who said "By crikey she can flipping-well bring it on! I'm not scared of some saucy little pensioner with her filthy, whorish potty mouth and stunning brown eyes! I'll fight her anywhere on any terms, be it stripped down to the waist and slugging it out in a manner the Marquis of Queensbury would have approved of, or wrestling naked in warm, slithery custard until we collapse together in sheer exhaustion.

"Perhaps afterwards we'll laugh about it over a glass of Cognac while nestled together on a thick sheepskin rug in front of a roaring log fire, naked as God intended. She'll giggle at a witty comment I'll make about the whole situation, spilling brandy on her hand. Delicately, looking deep into her eyes, I'll taste the Cognac on her fingers, and she'll say in a husky voice with a catch in her throat, 'Oh, David...'

"Gosh, excuse me a minute."