May 19th 2009

In a shock revelation that made many people say to themselves 'Oh! I see! Now it all makes sense!' MPs in the expenses scandal turned out to be under the control of cult leader Michael Martin.

The news emerges as several 'cult members' step forward, after whispering with each other in the corner for a bit, to tell of their harrowing experience.

Clara Nett, MP for Tinkletown East, spoke of Martin's powerful influence. "He's magnetic. He exudes a sense of self confidence that drags you in until you're snared in his web of lies and lust. Once he has you there's no escape. I was only one of many MPs who were brainwashed by Martin."

The sordid scandal is finally coming to light as MPs begin to realise how they have been under the evil power of the House of Commons Speaker. Many are only now realising the extent of his influence.

"This whole expenses thing is completely down to him," said Labour whip Oscar Reena, "He's been getting us all to use our expenses to make lavish pads up and down the country so that he has somewhere nice to stay when he visits. He's a stickler for things being just right. I can fully understand MPs having to clean their moats regularly, pay for expensive cleaners and light bulb replacers and... errr... mortgages, um, twice."

Other MPs who fell foul of the cult tell of Martin's obsession with the childrens television programme 'Tellytubbies.'

"He has a small holding in Scotland dedicated to it," MP for Hogsmead Terry Dubby tells us, "The hills, the rabbits, the house; everything. We all had to wear Tellytubby outfits when we visited. I was Noo-noo. I don't think the experience will ever leave me, no matter how I wash."