Speaking at a conference earlier today Prime Minister David Cameron, texture like sun, said "I put it to you Mr Cable that your mom is a dirty old slag who will give you a handjob for 50p and that your sister takes it up the arse for a bottle of wicked blue." Mr Cable told the PM, "You leave my mom out of this Cameron, that's a foul and filthy lie, you better take it back right now! And my sister doesn't even like wicked blue, she drinks Lambrini." Mr Cameron said, "Sorry Vince old boy, I do take it back. Your mom will actually toss people off for free; it's 50p for a blowjob and a shag for a pound.

Mr Cable was visibly upset and took a moment to regain his composure before saying, "David what you are saying is very hurtful to me and I would ask that you stop and consider how what you are saying affects other people. Perhaps when you learn to do this we can begin working together to teach the world how to be nice to one another and be happy. If we could do that the world could become a really, really lovely place.

The PM replied with, "You fucking wet yellow bastard. You little tossers make me fucking sick, forever being awfully frigging nice to each other and lying face down in the shit while people wipe their feet on your back. If you got your way we'd all be politely bending over and allowing foreign, bald, asian, cross-dressing, gay, deaf midgets shag us up the backside so that they felt better about themselves. I bet you even like the French don't you? Look at your face! You fucking do, don't you?!"

Mr Cable replied by saying, "I think that the French have a delightful culture and wonderful heritage. When I hear the music of Jean Michelle-Jarre I still fondly recall a delightful summer I spent in La Rochelle in the 80's drinking red wine and sampling the best food in the world while laughing with friends and taking long bicycle rides through the beautiful countryside.

Mr Cameron said "They smell of onions, piss in the street, eat snails and screw anything that moves. I can also guarantee that they absolutely and unequivocally think that you in particular are a great big prick." Again Vince Cable took a second to compose himself before saying, in a slightly choked voice "David, I know you don't mean what you're saying and I'm certain that you will be filled with contrition when you realise that you are treading on my most precious and treasured memories in such a spiteful manner, but I forgive you.

"I ask you to remember that we have been good friends; that we've shared laughter and good times and worked hard alongside one another to make a better Britain. We are brothers in arms, and like a brother I love you, and I forgive your transgression and harsh words. One day we will look back on this moment and eventually share a rueful smile before slapping each other on the back and saying 'let's just get on with it my old friend. Let's teach the world to love.'

The PM said "Oh fuck off you cock."