Mr Clegg was talking to some students in Birmingham, probably, or maybe some organic hippies in that giant greenhouse in Cornwall, or something like that, when he said that a vote for the Liberal Democrats was "a bold commitment to hope and opportunity" and not a complete waste of pencil lead. He also said "If we get more votes than anyone else, I'm in. It's that simple."

Stinky Ponky spoke with Dave Watt who is a fan of Mr Clegg. He told us "I think Clegg is brilliant. Me and my mate Tony have been to see him loads of times, and he always cracks me up. I was in Bournemouth in September and I laughed so much I actually shat myself. Tony couldn't breathe for laughing and passed out, falling headlong into a bunch of Liberal Democrats who apologised profusely. Clegg told us to pipe down a couple of times, it's become part of his act with us, but we just tell him to chill out and have a spliff, the daft old communist."

Mr Clegg, speaking to his party at the Spring Conference, said "The May general election will be a once in a generation opportunity for real change. Or maybe two or three times. I'm not sure how long a generation is to be honest, but if you take that length of time and divide it by four, which is about how often we have a general election, you should get roughly how many opportunities for real change there are per generation. Anyway, what I want, basically, is to be Prime Minister. Please stop laughing. I really mean it. I've got policies and everything.

"Listen. Tax reform; we'll reform taxes in a way that everyone likes. Education; there will be more geography teachers. The economy; We intend for that to be better, with more money for everyone. Parliament; new carpets. Afghanistan; no thank you, sounds a bit nasty. I haven't got the faintest idea what to do with the NHS, but then nobody else has either so I'm not worrying about that too much.

"I'd be a lovely Prime Minister. I'd be just like Hugh Grant in Love Actually. I've been practising the dance, and I've written to Martine McCutcheon to say that I'd be happy to bone her. But I wouldn't be so nice you'd be sickened by it. I could sometimes be like Hugh Grant in the Bridget Jones films if you want. But less of rancid shit. And I won't fuck a ladyboy.

"I'd do Renee Zellweger though. I'd do her for the good of Britain. Up the arse."