Immediately after his comments a number of senior party members rushed onto the stage and rugby tackled Mr Clegg before sitting on him. Stinky Ponky spoke with one bewildered Lib Dem MP after the conference who told us "We thought he'd gone quite, quite mad. Some of us were glued to our seats in sheer horror at watching our leader go duck-quackingly insane before our very eyes. Others had more about them. They thought to hold him down to avoid injury to himself or others.

 

"There were also those who headed for the doors amidst the screaming, convinced that all sense and logic had gone from the world and that Mr Clegg was about to expand, turn purple and grow extra arms and teeth before rampaging upon a defenceless audience, biting heads off willy nilly. I know for a fact that Norman Baker actually shat himself."

 

After it was established that Mr Clegg was not on the train to Cuckoo Town he was taken into custody by officers from the vice squad investigating the theory that he was surely under the influence of enough cannabis to make a hippo giggle. As a precaution Mr Clegg is also undergoing a "routine" cavity search.

 

In the meantime an emergency meeting of senior party members was held at the Dog and Duck near the conference centre in Bournemouth. MP for Cockville East, Sam Pull, said "Nick's taking this awfully damn seriously. I'm shadow secretary for cheese and biscuits and he's worrying several types of shit out of me with his serious talk. The silly bugger might convince voters that we're not just a bunch of indecisive dick-wrinkles and then the blighters may well vote for us, especially seeing as Labour and the Tory's have made such a dog's arse of everything recently. I am seriously concerned. I joined the Lib Dems in the comfortable knowledge that no one would take the slightest bit of notice of anything I said - and now this. I'd join the Green Party if I gave a shit about trees."

 

Loony party leader Lord Simpering Monkey Fudge Spittle has announced that he intends to one day become Queen of Illegal Thermos Flasks, while BNP Fuhrer Nick Griffin has announced his intention to March on Warsaw.