May 29th 2009

David Cameron has put Conservative MP Bill “Steals” Cash on detention for being very, very naughty indeed.

It’s thought that the Tory leader, who has taken a hard line recently with naughty boys and girls in his party, may even call Mr Cash’s mom into his office for a chat. “Bill should know better,” said Mr Cameron, a former tiddly-winks world champion, “It’s all very embarrassing but look how good I’m being in dealing with it. Shall we celebrate with a bit of an election?”

Mr Cash is the latest in a long line of MPs put under the spotlight by the expenses scandal. He rented a flat from his own daughter, paying her £15,000 in the process, claimed from expenses. Stinky Ponky took the now familiar walk down to the expenses office to discuss the latest disgrace. We interrupted most of the team looking bored and playing Star Wars Monopoly while other staff chatted listlessly. “I’m not used to having this much time on my hands” said Expenses Officer Rick Order. “I’m bored shitless. And it’s a recession so I’m expecting the redundancy notice at any moment. The icing on the whole wanky cake is that twat Cameron poking his head ‘round the door every ten minutes to see if anyone fancies an election.”

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has also proposed that MPs should not go on their summer holidays until they have agreed on “radical changes” or “sweeping reforms” – whichever makes him look better. “They’re all dragging their feet at the moment and we’re mostly just watching videos and playing games in the House of Commons as we wind down for the summer. Tell them they’ve got to come in during the hols and I reckon they’ll pull their fingers out.” This idea has displeased our saviour Sir Cliff Richard who is said to be “thoroughly miffed” at the prospect of having “all of those empty seats on my big red bus.”

Many MPs have noticed the slight smirk that David Cameron cannot seem to wipe from his “smug tosser mouth” despite trying to look very solemn all of the time. Cuthbert Diblangruff, conservative MP for East Northwick South told us “He comes into parliament most days, claps his hands together and grins at us before saying ‘Right. Hows about an election?’ ”