Jenny Taylor, an Administrative Assistant at Downing Street who cannot be named for legal reasons, has recently left her position feeling that she could not face Mr Brown's constant taunting and threats to melt her shoes off. She agreed to speak with Stinky Ponky at the start of her legal battle against the PM on the condition that she remained anonymous. Jenny, who lives in Islington with her pet badger Ronald and often drinks in The Old Red Lion, told us "Every day working for Gordon - or The Big G as he made us call him - was a living nightmare. I would be terrified of him taking my lunch money while threatening me with a roll of sellotape or back issues of Cosmopolitan. He also used to call me 'fridge-magnet nipples' and told me that if I ever left he would hunt me down and drown me in gravy.

"And it wasn't just me. Gordon was terrifying if he didn't get his own way, or if something went wrong. The last Friday of the month was the worst, because that was tits day, when all the women had to walk around topless under threat of being laminated. The only person I saw stand up to him was a secretary whose name I never knew, but she was gone the next day; given to the Himba tribe in Namibia in exchange for half a goat. I'm not sure which half.

"I eventually escaped by flushing myself down the toilet on the advice of Childline, who also recommended I call a number for grown ups, like the bullying hotline, or Argos Ring & Reserve. I intend to sue the living shit out of him, and then hopefully put the whole thing behind me and grow cactus professionally for use in Hollywood westerns."