June 3rd 2009

Prime minister Gordon Brown, texture like sun, held emergency talks with his dwindling cabinet today to discuss the future of the party.

Due to recent resignations some of the positions had to be filled rapidly by Brown including Home Secretary, a role now filled by an old action man found in the loft; Community Secretary, temporarily held by PC Nick Chew who was on duty outside number 10 at the time and Chancellor ‘Numpty’ - Mr Brown’s favourite teddy bear. “Technically Mr Darling should have been there as Chancellor but Mr Brown’s written him off” PC Chew told Stinky Ponky. “He said that Mr Darling was a ‘complete tit’ and that he’d sent him off to buy a new calculator.

“It was all a bit disturbing to be honest. We had to listen in total silence while Chancellor Numpty supposedly gave a speech and Mr Brown nodded and made encouraging sounds. Later the Prime Minister outlined his plans for building a giant wooden horse and leaving it outside Conservative HQ with a small army of evil flying monkeys hidden inside. Twice during this he suddenly screamed at the action man to stop interrupting him. Mr Brown then unexpectedly asked me about my plans to regenerate business in rural areas but when I anxiously told him I had no plans he just smiled and nodded slowly, saying ‘Give it time…. Give it time.’ I think he's suffering from cabin fever. He's on his own in there pretty much all of the time.

“It all finished with him producing a large flat box from Ikea which he showed to me before saying ‘It’s my new cabinet. Ha ha ha. IT’S MY NEW FUCKING CABINET!! Ha ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!’”