Mr Brown wowed conference goers with his wife Sarah at his side, who told the audience that he was "no saint" with a cheeky little grin and a wry smile. A hush fell on the assembly as he took to the podium and scanned the silent multitude with a sparkle in his eye, before quietly announcing "It's time to change the world again."

 

After a deafening roar Mr Brown paused briefly to extract himself from beneath Harriet Harman's undercrackers, and told the baying crowd "Bitch boy Cameron might think it's in the bag, but if he thinks he's got his foot in the door of Number 10 I'm here to tell you that I'm slamming the door on that foot. And if it's still there I will slam it again. And if I have to keep slamming it until it's all squashy and he's screaming like a piggy about the pain in his knackered little trotter then that, my friends, is what's going to happen. I am not shitting around here.

 

"So you thought the big man was out for the count? Just because of some wanky debate about public spending cuts? Is that all you've got? IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT? Davy boy, your penis must be a tiny, tiny thing, me old china. I, on the other hand, have a huge knob, and when I've used it to piss all over your election hopes, I shall wipe it on your jacket.

 

"How's about that then?"

 

In the streets of Brighton where many were celebrating the PM's perfromance Stinky Ponky sought public opinion.

 

"He's displaying a bloody good set of testicles and no mistake," said Neil Down, a part-time windmill. "If you'd asked me last week I would have said that I'd rather drink a pint of tinker's piss than trade places with him, but not now. Mrs Brown better buy a damn big stick, because he's going to have hordes of nubile young women queueing up for a go on his fun stick after that speech. Men too. This is Brighton after all."

Patty Cake, a biology teacher told us "Gosh, until this morning I just thought of him as a flabby one eyed Scottish toss-jockey who has made an almighty balls up of running the country, but now I think of him as pure, unadulterated sex."

"Gordon has my vote, and given half a chance, he could have my furry knob socket."