Hazel Blears has said that she has huge regrets about accidentally completely and utterly shafting Gordon Brown, texture like sun, like a cheap whore in a back street Bangkok brothel.

“I had completely forgotten about the upcoming European polls, they just slipped my mind, and anyway I didn’t really think that a third member of the cabinet resigning just before the polls would even be noticed, let alone make a difference,” the former communities secretary told us. “And the badge I wore that said ‘Brown Sucks Men In Public Toilets’ was entirely unrelated and taken out of context.”

Stinky Ponky also asked Mrs Blears about her apparent attack on Mr Brown’s YouTube appearance. “I knew you would mention that. I don’t know what came over me. I was thinking about something else and the phrase ‘cum funnel’ slipped out. It was a complete accident and I don’t think he’s a crap sucker at all. Sorry, I mean I don’t think he’s a crap sucker or a cum funnel, although I didn’t say crap sucker originally, that was a mistake too, sorry.

“Of course, I’m very sorry indeed. I really am the sorriest person you’re likely to meet for several decades. And I don’t think he’s a shit wizard, I retract that even though I never said it before. And the rumours about me having a tattoo on my left buttock of Mr Brown being mounted roughly by a large gorilla are completely untrue. I am sore there for other, perfectly normal reasons. It’s all one big, silly mistake really.

“Did I say I’m sorry? I’m sorry.”