Gallup spokesman Ron Goal, 38, told Stinky Ponky "We've been struggling since the summer to be honest. We had to import huge amounts of numbers from China and Turkey to deal with the sudden boost in requirements after the expenses scandal. We were already busy little bees after the bankers attempted to be bigger bastards than MPs last year, so it was tough going, yes indeedy.

 

"The world of statistical analysis is pretty damn exciting at the best of times let me tell you, but these last few months have been a white-knuckle rollercoaster of a ride and no mistake. I've barely seen my parents as they're usually in bed by the time I get home and I haven't touched my model railway for weeks."

 

Bastardry levels finally blew the top of Gallup's giant bastard measuring device when MPs began to complain about the fact that someone had the bare faced cheek to suggest that they pay back the money that they had basically legally stolen. "It's ridiculous," said MP for Southwest Dorkington East, Hilary Tea. "I perfectly legitemately filled my brand new laughing pool with 20 pound notes so that I could roll around in them naked pissing myself and now you're asking me to give it back?! Not on your nelly matey."

 

Anne Widecombe also suggested that to ask MPs to pay back their expenses was legally dodgy. Accident and Emergency wards across Britain have been packed with people suffering from shock caused by the comment. Up until that moment they had thought that the bit that was legally dodgy was when the thieving political bastards dipped their sticky little fingers into the public pot to claim 6 grand for a pogo stick.

 

In related news researchers at the Oxford English Dictionary have reported no fewer than 87 new words in the English language; all derogatory terms related to MPs. "Bastard simply doesn't cut it anymore," said Chief Word Checker Tennyson Wrigley. "Throughout the media we have seen a variety of new words being regularly pressed into use. Something printed on the letters page of a broadsheet earlier in the year stands out for me due to it's beautiful use of both old and new English vocabulary.

"The writer says 'Our stinking little pisstube of an MP has apparently claimed nearly £4000 on wood physiotherapy for her favourite cherry tree, Arthur, the spunkled flapwrinkle of an arse-badger. I would dearly love to snap the biggest branch off that shitty little spack-witch's tree and ram it sideways into her shitterish, wankspanking cumfunnel.'

"Beautiful. beautiful."