Fuhrer Griffin, who revealed his plans during a rally at Nuremburg, spoke angrily to the masses, telling them "Britain is the most overcrowded country in Europe, and we've got all of these bloody foreigners coming over here and working hard, meaning that you - the REAL British people - have no choice but to spend years of your lives claiming disability benefits, drinking cheap lager and watching Jeremy Kyle; forced to wear a neck brace whenever you go out in public. If you're anything like me you sometimes have a wank over Loose Women.

"Don't get me wrong, it's not all of them. The Irish are all right and to be honest I don't mind the Japs either, I've always had a soft spot for the mental little yellow buggers, but I've got this thing about the Polish, always have had. Just the thought of pickled cucumber makes me want to march on Warsaw. Anyway, once they've all set sail we're going to build a big wall around Britain and write FUCK OFF on the cliffs at Dover. Sorry, I've got a really bad cough today, can you pass me my eye? Thanks."

In response to Griffin's nasal gibberish, Dave Watt, a builder from Manchester said "Can we get rid of anyone for £50K? Call me a raving old piss-wit, but surely it would be best to ship Nick Griffin out first? We could pack him in a dustbin with lots of dog shit to keep him safe and roll him off Land's End. Just don't put a return address on it. Here's a fiver, let's start a collection. And here's another fiver, for Ronnie fucking Biggs. And a tenner for the Krankies. Hang on, I'll go to the cash point."

Rose West, a retired Mother Superior from Ruislip said "I like Mr Watt's idea of shipping out Mr Griffin. If there's an undesirable element in the country it's him, not Janek, the lovely Polish man who does odd jobs for me. I can see that it's a very humane way of dealing with the problem, but wouldn't it be cheaper to shoot him in the face? Or you could always superglue some bricks to his head and throw him in a river. And then Janek could carry on doing what he does best without worrying about that awful man. He can trim my bush in the garden, come up my back passage and have a hot crumpet in the kitchen.

"And then he can shag me roughly on the washing machine."